Dr. Weiss, who is a Certified Sex Addiction Therapist, has written a masterful explanation of Pro-dependence. He makes the vital distinction between someone being Codependent and someone being Pro-dependent. This means being actively involved in helping another person to achieve freedom from pornography addiction. Many times, therapists talk with family members of pornography addicts (usually the spouse) and give the spouse the idea that they are ‘part of the problem,’ and if they just did (whatever) the addicted partner wanted, they would shape up. In other words, the therapist blames the spouse for at least a part of the problem. Wives are often the victims of this idea and are labeled as Codependent either because they are doing too much for the addict, or because something about the situation holds them in and they are not bold enough to leave.
Dr. Weiss points out the sacrifice, care, and love such partners show to the addict. Weiss explains how well they are doing at what is often a thankless task. He says Pro-dependence is the correct term because an addict needs boundaries and the long-suffering spouse (usually the wife) provides those boundaries by not allowing themselves to be trapped into taking blame for what the addict is responsible for. They do this by holding the addict accountable for their actions. One of the most hopeful and helpful aspects of Dr. Weiss’s ideas is that doing something to improve the situation is far better than trying to fix blame! He applauds those spouses who focus on the good in their partner and want to help them overcome addiction.
He states: “My sole aim is to push the addiction treatment field (and perhaps psychotherapy as a whole) forward a step by focusing less on an individual or family system’s brokenness and more on the inherent strength of human attachments.” (Weiss, 2022, p. xv). Dr. Weiss says therapists need to “be where the client is” (p.9) and learn how they feel and understand the situation.
Pro-dependence means people choose to stay with addicts because they love them and can see possibilities in the relationship. The primary message of Pro-dependence is that “we remain and help troubled others primarily out of love and by doing so we will all heal faster and more effectively together than we can alone.” (p.11).
Loved ones may have strong emotional reactions to what is happening to their addict and these, too, are recognized as being how most of us might respond to seeing the effects of addiction. “Pro-dependence does not agree that anyone’s words or actions can ever lead another person to abuse substances or behaviors. No one can make someone else abuse drugs, drink, or act out-period.” (p. 16).
It is encouraging to feel the tide turning on blame and shame. A family is a type of system but that does not mean that all problems and difficulties of all family members stem from some dysfunction in the family! The fact is that families are attached together by bonds of kinship and love. It is wonderful to read that the efforts of family members toward helping an addicted loved one are professionally recognized. Also, “staying the course and sticking with it” are finding their way into the literature.
A word of caution, of course, is that when violence is involved it is best to get away from it and find a way to stop it if possible. Nobody should end up being hurt when their efforts are focused on helping.
Co-dependence tends to focus on looking for past problems that may have caused the addiction. Pro-dependence focuses on loved ones who want to help, even if they don’t have a lot of knowledge on the subject. Figure out what is right for you in your specific situation. You got this!
Sources:
Weiss, R., PhD, LCSW. (2022, August 30). Prodependency: Beyond the Myth of
Codependency. Revised Edition. Health Communications, Inc. Boca Raton, FL 33432-1653
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